“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.