One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird