do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.