Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters