Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]