me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
No chill.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff