3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii