I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.