Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
🙅🏻
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?