[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Stop being racist to kettles.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.