Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
doing some research
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan