Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.