My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
You Might Also Like
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera