Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
You Might Also Like
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I’m sure it’s fine.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.