A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*