please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
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Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m already scared
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars