I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
🤭😂
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.