If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
How I like cutting carbs
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”