Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians