Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.