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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.