Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
#dalle2
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*