had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*