Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”