Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.