My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[eats all your cotton candy]
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39