I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident