“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
The asteroid..
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd