Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.