I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
New mindset, who dis?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Flowers bee like
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me driving through Toronto
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO