Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Whisper out to librarians!
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.