Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Basically.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.