If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
No, I don’t think I will.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.