PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Last-minute gift idea!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”