[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.