Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
watergate? u mean a dam??
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Confused owl: What?!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.