If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
There’s no “u” in narcissist
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off