Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
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If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down