A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped