It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I WON A HAM TODAY
*bites zombie*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.