I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I wish I could veto my bills.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please