Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Cause of death: Zumba
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar