The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit