Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
this is literally a CIA plant
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
ibopfufen
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.