Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.