I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.