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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’ve had relationships like this
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me irl
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!