Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!