ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Match dot com, but for socks.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
You’ll be OK
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting