Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Encore…
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
so weird how every mom was born today